[THS] Obama to Nominate Jesus Christ to Supreme Court

[The Harder Stuff in news and commentary]

Obama to Nominate Jesus Christ to Supreme Court

By Rick Chertoff, Reader Supported News


President Barack Obama is expected to nominate Jesus Christ, an immigrant originally
born to a virgin mother in Bethlehem, to fill the new vacancy on the Supreme Court.
Although Mr. Christ is over 2,000 years old, He is immortal, so Democrats and
Republicans expect that He will serve on the high court forever or until He decides to
start the End Times. Republicans are expected to fight the nomination on the
grounds that Mr. Christ would radically move the Court to the left. The GOP is also
concerned that, despite decades of controversy and speculation, Mr. Christ has never
revealed his position on abortion. Mr. Christ, according to many authorities, is
expected to oppose the death penalty in all forms. Michael Steele, the head of the
GOP national committee, issued a statement: "Christ is a complete mystery to us. He
won't reveal His physical appearance and many of His positions are unknown or the
subject of speculation. He is a stealth candidate. Why won't He reveal himself? Who
does He think He is?"

Republicans are reportedly outraged that Mr. Obama even considered Mr. Christ,
who has been widely quoted for his sentiments supporting the poor over the wealthy.
In a Facebook post, former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin called for an
investigation into the Bethlehemchapter of ACORN because of what she termed the
"highly suspicious" coincidence that both President Obama and Mr. Christ had each
spent three years as community organizers. In her post, Palin also wrote that "More
and more of good God-fearing smalltime Americans from hardworking smalltime
towns from great parts of this real America, West, South, East, North, are seeing
more and more every day that Christ is a community organizer. We don't need
another community organizer in the White House!"

Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) asked, "We're not even sure where He was born.
Why is He afraid to show us his birth certificate?" Bachmann also announced that she
would vote "no" when the Christ nomination came before the House of
Representatives. Later, her congressional staff released a statement saying that the
Congresswoman had forgotten that the House does not vote on judicial nominations.

According to Rush Limbaugh, "Christ doesn't know anything about free enterprise.
This is part of the Obama conspiracy to drag us to socialism. If this guy is approved,
I'm moving to Costa Rica." Sobbing, Glenn Beck attacked Christ's support for the
separation of church and state, telling his audience "You know who else wanted a
separation of church and state? Hitler."

Several Catholic priests were contacted for comment but refused to discuss the issue,
and, even though they weren't asked, all empathetically denied that they had
personally molested any children.

Democrats are optimistic about their chances of shoving Mr. Christ down the throats
of Americans using normal constitutional and parliamentary procedures. Many
Democrats are hopeful that Mr. Christ's past associations with prostitutes will earn
him at least one Republican vote, that of Sen. David Vitter (R-LA).

If confirmed, Christ will be the first Supreme Court Justice who has at least one
American city named after him: Corpus Christi, Texas.