[THS] U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just Illusion

[Peter Webster]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_economy_grinds_to_halt_as

Business

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic,
Mutually Shared Illusion

February 16, 2010 | Issue 46•07

WASHINGTON-The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after
unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke
shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a
meaningless and intangible social construct.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee
Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept
of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the
world's largest economy.

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will
of course act appropriately if we...if we..." said Bernanke, who then
paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook
his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of
this-this so-called 'money'-really matters at all."

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills
from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it:
Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck
silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally
shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it-the
money, our whole economy-it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the
press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the
remains of torn currency.

As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy
ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on
their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings
and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and
importance as human beings.

At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bell echoed
across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of
habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the
flashing screens above.

"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and
for what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is move
arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my
life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth."

"What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug my
daughter."

Sources at the White House said President Obama was "still trying to get
his head around all this" and was in seclusion with his coin collection,
muttering "it's just metal, it's just metal" over and over again.

"The president will be making a statement very soon," press secretary
Robert Gibbs told reporters. "At the moment, though, his mind is just
too blown to comment."

A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows are
unmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scraps
of paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying mere
scraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curious
former customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, while
several would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly put
their guns down and exited the building hand in hand with security
guards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.

Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, with mortgage
lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming their
foreclosed-upon homes.

"I don't even know what we were thinking in the first place," said
former banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a door
to allow a single mother and her five children to move back into their
house. "A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this family
has no place to live? That's just plain ludicrous."

The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game
seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for
instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when
he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely
no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer
comprehensible.

For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation's
epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the
illusion of money.

"It's back to basics for me," Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. "I'm
going to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else I
need by bartering. If I want milk, I'll pay for it in tomatoes. If need
a new hoe, I'll pay for it in lettuce."

When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicated life-saving
surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain.

"That's a lot of vegetables, isn't it?" he said.